[And
24 Other Things You Will Never Hear An Aspiring Rapper Say]
From
the people who brought you “No More Fried Chicken” [And 25 Other Things You Will Never Hear Uttered In Black America] and “Does Falafel Go With Pigs Feet?” [And 25 Things You Will Never Hear Uttered in White America] comes this new post.
This
time it’s all about that guy we all know. He’s always “in the studio”
“on his grind” and “trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents” with his penchant
for witty wordicisms, punchlines and dope beats. He’s your local celebrity—sure to blow up soon—the Aspiring Rapper.
2.
“Maybe I should come up with a practical plan B
to fall back on, just in case my plan A [to make millions of dollars as a
famous rap star] doesn’t pan out as it should.”
3.
“The quality and depth with which I compose
these lyrics will not only change the course of history and someday be revered,
but men will respect women, racism will be eliminated, and people will dance
harmoniously with one another even before the beat drops.”
4.
“I'm not going to tattoo my face just yet as
I've yet to secure my record deal and I wouldn't want to project that type of
personal image to potential employers in the meantime.”
5.
“My Facebook friends wouldn’t appreciate me
tagging them in this post of my latest song. I’ll be considerate and not tag
them because I understand they’d likely listen if they really wanted to hear
it.”
6.
“I have this line I really like for the hook of
the song but it ends with a preposition. I was taught to never end a sentence
with a preposition.”
7.
“I don’t have any ‘haters’ to speak of, and it’s
not likely I’ll ever be famous, but if I ever am I’m going to love and embrace
all those people who didn’t support me because it’s the right thing to do.”
8.
“What it boils down to is I’m simply not good at
this—at all—and I should just stop.”
9.
“It’s not that I was completely disappointed in
the entire experience, I just think the series finale for How I Met Your
Mother wasn’t enough payoff for my nine seasons of loyalty to Ted Mosby’s
story.”
10.
“Respect b*tches, invest money.”
11.
“No, I don’t rap full time. My day job is as
Branch Manager of one of the city’s foremost Credit Unions. It’s quite a
progressive institution.”
12.
“My artistic integrity will not allow me to
record this song because it sounds just like that other really popular song
that everyone is listening to at the moment.”
13.
“From an ethical standpoint, even if I did not
like big butts, it would be wrong to lie. But truthfully I think it’s a good
thing I do like big butts, though. It
would be wrong to rap about things that were not true.”
14.
“No, I’ve checked and double-checked the
ingredients of the popular drug I’m rapping about. I can, in good conscience,
depend on my listeners to act responsibly, but more than that, I would hate to
give them the impression that I’d say anything to harm them or that I’d glorify
something with which I’m unfamiliar.”
15.
“I’d have to say my career as a rapper started
with William Faulkner—him or John Steinbeck. I went almost directly from The
Grapes of Wrath to ‘Shake that ass!’”
16.
“A bank statement would probably say much more
about my financial state of affairs than these stacks of money. But I can’t
make it rain with one piece of paper, and the bank said they’d only print me
one copy, so I withdrew all my cash, and here we are.”
17.
“I’m actually working on a PhD. I just do this
because I enjoy it.”
18.
“When you listen to my music you’ll most
certainly be underwhelmed, but go ahead and give it a listen. You might
actually like it...but you likely won’t.”
19.
“As a [producer, video director, graphic
designer, engineer], I recognize the amount of time & effort that you put
into your craft. I won't even begin to fix my lips to ask for your services
without paying you what you're worth. Here, please take my money.”
20.
“If someone tells me that they don't enjoy my
music, that doesn't make that person a hater. Everyone is entitled to their own
opinion. Instead of getting upset, I apply the lessons learned from their
constructive criticism and use it to make me a better artist.”
21.
“If I write a song about my vast personal
wealth, people who are in tune with my actual financial situation will know
that I'm being dishonest. I'm not comfortable lying about that.”
22.
“That other local rapper is clearly a better
rapper than me. Because of this, I’m going to cease labeling myself the rap
“King” of this area.”
23.
“Although, my 1996 Toyota Corolla technically
gives me the right to rap about riding foreign, I choose not to because it
would paint a picture that’s not 100% factual.”
24.
“I only surround myself with people who aren't
afraid to tell me when my music is subpar. I don’t want people in my inner
circle who tell me that everything I create is outstanding.”
25.
“Kale. Kale is actually my favorite food. There,
I’ve said it.”
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