...about “By No Means Should You Feel Inclined In Any Way To Download My New Mixtape From Datpiff.com”…

[And 24 Other Things You Will Never Hear An Aspiring Rapper Say]

From the people who brought you “No More Fried Chicken” [And 25 Other Things You Will Never Hear Uttered In Black America] and “Does Falafel Go With Pigs Feet?” [And 25 Things You Will Never Hear Uttered in White America] comes this new post. 

This time it’s all about that guy we all know. He’s always “in the studio” “on his grind” and “trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents” with his penchant for witty wordicisms, punchlines and dope beats. He’s your local celebrity—sure to blow up soon—the Aspiring Rapper.

2.     “Maybe I should come up with a practical plan B to fall back on, just in case my plan A [to make millions of dollars as a famous rap star] doesn’t pan out as it should.”

3.     “The quality and depth with which I compose these lyrics will not only change the course of history and someday be revered, but men will respect women, racism will be eliminated, and people will dance harmoniously with one another even before the beat drops.”

4.     “I'm not going to tattoo my face just yet as I've yet to secure my record deal and I wouldn't want to project that type of personal image to potential employers in the meantime.”

5.     “My Facebook friends wouldn’t appreciate me tagging them in this post of my latest song. I’ll be considerate and not tag them because I understand they’d likely listen if they really wanted to hear it.”

6.     “I have this line I really like for the hook of the song but it ends with a preposition. I was taught to never end a sentence with a preposition.”

7.     “I don’t have any ‘haters’ to speak of, and it’s not likely I’ll ever be famous, but if I ever am I’m going to love and embrace all those people who didn’t support me because it’s the right thing to do.”

8.     “What it boils down to is I’m simply not good at this—at all—and I should just stop.”

9.     “It’s not that I was completely disappointed in the entire experience, I just think the series finale for How I Met Your Mother wasn’t enough payoff for my nine seasons of loyalty to Ted Mosby’s story.”

10.  “Respect b*tches, invest money.”

11.   “No, I don’t rap full time. My day job is as Branch Manager of one of the city’s foremost Credit Unions. It’s quite a progressive institution.”

12.  “My artistic integrity will not allow me to record this song because it sounds just like that other really popular song that everyone is listening to at the moment.”

13.  “From an ethical standpoint, even if I did not like big butts, it would be wrong to lie. But truthfully I think it’s a good thing I do like big butts, though. It would be wrong to rap about things that were not true.”

14.  “No, I’ve checked and double-checked the ingredients of the popular drug I’m rapping about. I can, in good conscience, depend on my listeners to act responsibly, but more than that, I would hate to give them the impression that I’d say anything to harm them or that I’d glorify something with which I’m unfamiliar.”

15.  “I’d have to say my career as a rapper started with William Faulkner—him or John Steinbeck. I went almost directly from The Grapes of Wrath to ‘Shake that ass!’”

16.  “A bank statement would probably say much more about my financial state of affairs than these stacks of money. But I can’t make it rain with one piece of paper, and the bank said they’d only print me one copy, so I withdrew all my cash, and here we are.”

17.  “I’m actually working on a PhD. I just do this because I enjoy it.”

18.  “When you listen to my music you’ll most certainly be underwhelmed, but go ahead and give it a listen. You might actually like it...but you likely won’t.”

19.  “As a [producer, video director, graphic designer, engineer], I recognize the amount of time & effort that you put into your craft. I won't even begin to fix my lips to ask for your services without paying you what you're worth. Here, please take my money.”

20.  “If someone tells me that they don't enjoy my music, that doesn't make that person a hater. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Instead of getting upset, I apply the lessons learned from their constructive criticism and use it to make me a better artist.”

21.  “If I write a song about my vast personal wealth, people who are in tune with my actual financial situation will know that I'm being dishonest. I'm not comfortable lying about that.”

22.  “That other local rapper is clearly a better rapper than me. Because of this, I’m going to cease labeling myself the rap “King” of this area.”

23.  “Although, my 1996 Toyota Corolla technically gives me the right to rap about riding foreign, I choose not to because it would paint a picture that’s not 100% factual.”

24.  “I only surround myself with people who aren't afraid to tell me when my music is subpar. I don’t want people in my inner circle who tell me that everything I create is outstanding.”

25.  “Kale. Kale is actually my favorite food. There, I’ve said it.”

...about "Does Falafel Go With Pigs' Feet?"

[And 25 Other Things You Will Never Hear Uttered In White America]

From the people who brought you “No More Fried Chicken” [And 25 Other Things You Will Never Hear Uttered In Black America] comes this new post. We decided to compile another list...this time we take a look at utterances from a different cultural perspective. 
 

2.  “In all honesty, I’m ecstatic about that Black family moving in next door.”

3.  “Who cleaned the chitterlings?”

4. "We named our son Billy, after his father, William, but we just call him Junebug."

5.  "Why should I lock my car door? That hoodie-wearing Black gentleman approaching is most certainly a law abiding citizen."

6.  "Hmmm, oversized cartoon character fuzzy slippers. The label says to only wear them indoors but I wear all the rest of my shoes wherever I go, including outdoors. Why should these be any different?"

7.  “What’s up, my nigga?”

8.  “Tabasco sauce?  No thanks.  Do you have any Frank’s RedHot or Louisiana Brand hot sauce?”

9.  “What is mayonnaise?”

10.  “Louis Farrakhan has so many valid points. His logic is simply irrefutable.”

11.  “I changed my last name to Muhammad because Hinkelstein was my slave name.”

12.  “Domino, mothaf*cka!”

13.  “Daniel, when you’re finished frying that bacon, let me know.  I’m going to pour the grease in that coffee can on the stove.  That’s perfectly good bacon grease.”

14.  “Bob Seger?  Who the hell is Bob Seger?”

15.  “So, then J.J. told Thelma & Michael...”

16.  “Watch my footwork.”

17. “I know my waves got you seasick! It’s the Dax.”

18. “Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are fine representatives for us all.”

19. “I actually believe that O.J. didn’t do it.”

20. “I’m currently working as an insurance agent, but when my mixtape comes out next month, I’m going to transition into rapping full time.”

21.  “I want your mothaf*ckin' Daytons and your mothaf*ckin' stereo. And I'll take a double burger with cheese.”

22.  “When I said it I meant Never Ignorant Gettin’ Goals Accomplished!”

23.  “I'll take the large fried chicken gizzards platter with...  hold on, does that comes with fries?  OK, well yeah, I'll take that with the hot sauce on the side...  and can I get an extra slice of white bread with that?  Cool.  And for the drink, I'll just take a Pineapple Faygo.”

24. “Becky, look at her butt…”

25. “I can’t wait for Soul Plane 3 to come out!”

26. “Preach should have understood that it was just in Cochise’s nature to get the girls. He meant no malice. Sad they never had the chance to iron out their differences. And Stony and Rob, had they been open to having a conversation about how Preach and Cochise were released from jail, would have understood and never needed to retaliate.”

...about "No More Fried Chicken"

[And 25 Other Things You Will Never Hear Uttered in Black America]

A.D.: Since that challenge to an Official Fried Chicken Frying Contest, I've been thinking about some things. One has been, what would happen if, while preparing for the event, chicken stopped being sold. Can you imagine having to tell folks, “Sorry, no more fried chicken. Ever.”? We should write a book...about things like that. Things you would likely never hear a black person say...

Blake: I heard “No More Fried Chicken” once, but it was because it was all gone.

A: That is the prologue of the book...first paragraph, first line.


2.  “No, I know that she's promiscuous, but I'm pretty sure the baby is mine, and I'm more than willing to take care of her and the child, but only after I propose, she says yes and we're married.”

3.  “I'd love to buy these 24 inch rims but my budget currently shows that my income is needed elsewhere and ignoring that fact would be financially irresponsible.”

4.  “I don't play basketball, and never really got into rap music.”

5.  “What is this Cognac you speak of drinking? I've never heard of that before ever.”

6.  “I would take advantage of your current markdown on Newports but I’m not a fan of menthol.”

7.  “The fact that everyone is going to buy that pair of shoes actually makes me not want to purchase them.”

8.  “No sir, it would be unethical if I purchased that LINK card from you.  I'm not in need of government assistance.”

9.  “I would rather pay full price. Your employee discount is clearly reserved for employees of your establishment. Using it for my purchase would be wrong.”

10.  “Turn up that Bob Seger record. I just love Bob Seger!”

11.  “Excuse me waiter, to reward you for your excellent service, I'd like to add an additional amount to my original bill to be paid specifically to you.”

12.  “It appears that there has been an oversight on your part and you’ve given me back too much change.  So that your register isn’t off at the end of your workday, please take this back.”

13.  “I know that my cellular phone service could be restored if I put the bill in my child’s name, but that would be extremely selfish.  Not to mention, it would probably ruin my child’s credit and most likely take him multiple years to clear up.”

14.  “No hot sauce for me.”

15.  “I actually do have a genuine love for these women of ill repute.”

16.  “Thanks for the offer sir, but the content on that DVD is most certainly pirated.  I know this because that particular movie is still in theaters.  I'd much rather wait until retail stores release the official DVD, that way, the parties involved with the creation of the film are ensured proper credit for their contributions.”

17.  “What Michael Vick did made me sick to my stomach.  Those dogs had rights just like any of us.”

18.  “I actually believe that O.J. didn’t do it.”

19.  “Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are fine representatives for us all.”

20.  “Subject/verb agreement is important to me. And, I’m also interested in all other aspects of proper grammar, thank you very much.”

21.  “My plan isn’t to be on government assistance permanently.  It’s only provided as a tool to get people through temporary periods of struggle.  It’d be dishonest for me to stay on it any longer than I have to.”

22.  “Barack Obama was wrong about that.”

23.  “So, I was reading this book the other day...”

24.  “Now son, I want you to go to timeout in the corner and think about what you’ve done.”

25. “This political season is marred by negative attack ads, but from everything that I've been reading and hearing regarding the state of the economy and America's foreign policy--the issues I'm primarily concerned with presently--I'm pretty sure I know which candidate I'll be voting for.”

26.  “You may refer to me as a bitch, but whatever you do, don’t ever refer to me as a ‘bad bitch.’ That’s just disrespectful.”

...about Goonery.

A.D.: I’m sure you probably wouldn’t know this from reading my resume, but I’m a practicing Goon.  Goondom has been in my family for years, and will presumably be in my family for generations to come.  Basically, this means—well, I can’t tell you what it means, because that would actually violate one of the cardinal rules of all Goonery—don’t talk about Goonery—at least not with non-Goons.  This is the only reason I’m writing this post—because I’ve surmised that you, too, are a Goon.  My question is: How long have you been practicing Goonery?

Blake: I actually received my doctorate in Gooneral Leadership back in ’03. My family is familiar with—and has multiple ties to—Goonery but I wouldn’t necessarily say that we came from Goondom.  I’m elated at the fact that you’re also a Goon.  It’s not too often you come across an opportunity to discuss Goonery at length.  I’m sure you’re well-versed in the various dos-and-don’ts of Goonery.  But my question is: how were you first introduced to the world of Goonery?  And is Goonery something you feel comfortable enough with to recommend to children?

A: I was actually born a Goon.  There were no questions about it.  I’d been born into a sort of royalty that I could not quite understand—and I rebelled at the notion for a bit, but then my father came back and told me the historicity of the name and lineage from which I come—hold on…that’s actually partially co-opted from The Lion King.  The part that isn’t borrowed is true, though.  And speaking of The Movie That Made My Goondom palatable, yes, I would recommend children embrace their inner Goon.  I think it all starts with cookies and milk—making sure you get your fair share, and then disseminating that which you don’t want in such a manner that elicits respect from your classmates.  Before you know it, you get picked first for kickball, you get the biggest piece of cake for every birthday party, and you get the most Valentine Cards every February 14.  Kids must know this.

B: Ahh, it’s comforting on a certain level to know I’m speaking with someone who was born into Goondom.  In regards to that, I imagine the doctor who delivered you didn’t spank you to confirm that you were alive, did he?  And if he did, is he still alive?  I ask because my great uncle had to go through a similar situation in his day.  But I digress.  I’m obliged to inform you that it’d be against your good judgment for you to fabricate anything you’re telling me right now.  And that’s not a threat at all.  I’m just clarifying a few things for you.  I’m a Goon and Goons don’t appreciate dishonesty in matters related to Goonery.  With that being said, how do you feel about Goonery in professional settings?  And what are your thoughts pertaining to Hannah Montana?

A: Oh, no you don’t!! I wouldn’t dare fall for the old Hannah Montana trick!  I’m assuming it’s a trick because I have no idea who or what a Hannah Montana is, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s something that would jeopardize my Goondom…therefore, knowledge thereof would be detrimental to my Goon Status.  Good try.  I will inform you, however, that another stunt of that sort will result in fisticuffs, surely, or likely a more serious display of dissatisfaction that may result in physical harm or expiration of life.  But I know that you know this already.  As for your other question, “Goonery in professional settings” sounds like an oxymoron, but professional settings are the place where Goonery is most needed and widely accepted.  Take the office of the POTUS—G.W. Bush…I could explain how he was a Goon, but I’m sure you’ve already connected the dots.  AND, I couldn’t explain the how of it all because I’m sure someone else will read this, and may possibly not be a Goon, and then I’d be disobeying the cardinal rule.  Question for you: Most slept on Goon, and your reasoning for such?

B: For the record, your response bordered right on the fine line between informative and threatening.  As a Goon yourself, I’m sure you’re fully aware of the repercussions that could result from threatening another Goon, so I’m sure I’d be correct in saying that that’s not what you were really trying to do.  You were only trying to be informative.  You value your life too much, I imagine.  Now that that’s out of the way, yes, I inquired about Hannah Montana to put your Goondom to the test and you passed with flying colors and I congratulate you for that.  But the most slept on Goon, in my opinion, would have to be the late, great Michael Jackson.  Allow me to explain why.  One evening whilst eating with Paul McCartney in Paul’s dining room, Paul brought out a large booklet containing all the songs to which he owned the publishing rights.  He went on to explain to Michael that music publishing was one of the easiest and greatest ways to make money.  Michael replied by jokingly telling McCartney that he planned on buying The Beatles’ catalog one day.  Paul’s response was “Great.  Good joke.”  He laughed it off and further explained to Michael how he himself planned to buy The Beatles’ catalog.  Shortly afterward, Michael’s attorney closed the deal and purchased the catalog on Jackson’s behalf for $47.5 million.  When approached about this ordeal, Michael simply told Paul, “Business is business.”  This ended their long-standing friendship and when asked about the situation by the media, Michael’s response was “If he didn’t want to invest $47.5 million in his own songs, then he shouldn’t come crying to me now.”  R.I.P. Michael Jackson, one of the most slept on Goons of all time and a personal inspiration to me.  Who would you say is the most slept on Goon?

A: Duly noted.  Funny to say Michael Jackson was “slept on” as a Goon.  Some would allege he was slept on in many ways. R.I.P. Smooth Criminal.  Anyhow—of course I was only being informative.  Goons don’t make threats.  Nor do we keep promises.  That’s for another post, however.  The most slept on Goon in my opinion is probably Christopher Columbus.  Not only did he “discover” something that already existed, he set in motion the extermination of the original occupants of the land he discovered, starting the chain reaction of Goonish events that we now call American History.  Benjamin Banneker is somewhere near the top of the Most Slept On Goon List as well, but that’s because of what he didn’t do much more than what he did.  Well, partly what he did as well. So, do you have a vision for the future of Goondom? Do you think there’s much room for Goons in the world we live in now?

B: A vision for the future of Goondom…  Hmmm…  I’m not sure if this is a setup or not, given the fact that Goons traditionally live in the moment and don’t fret too much about the future.  But for the sake of answering your question, my vision of a perfect Goontopian Society would include malt liquor fountains in every public park.  You’d get suspicious stares for NOT wearing a ski-mask.  Of course, Goons would police themselves so the need for an actual Police Department wouldn’t exist.  I heard there’s a genre of movie called “Romantic Comedies”.  I heard it includes movies such as Hitch, What Women Want, The Devil Wears Prada, Sex and the City, There’s Something About Mary, Notting Hill, and Sleepless In Seattle.  I heard that these are films with light-hearted, humorous plotlines, centered on romantic ideals such as how ‘true love’ is able to surmount most obstacles.  This is all strictly hearsay, by the way.  But anyway, that whole film genre would cease existing.  On top of these changes, you’d need a license to NOT own and carry a firearm.  Quite frankly, the possibilities are endless.  The world we live in today has plenty room for Goons like you and I.  This world actually belongs to us.  It just boils down to getting some of these proposed changes enacted into law.  Any final thoughts?

A: So, you’re saying you envision laws?

B: More like Goonish guidelines.  Not really laws.  And I don’t appreciate the insinuation.

A: I was just checking.  I would imagine that there would need to be some documentation of Goonery, for the time when the world is operated by Goons. Not so much as a manual, perhaps an oral history of Goondom, because in the future reading will be outlawed as well.  Books won’t be, because the intelligent Goons will use them as safes (those who don’t already keep valuables inside the pages of books). From an anthropological standpoint, I imagine it won’t take very long—but how do we disseminate the information to the other Goons in the world if we’re not supposed to talk about Goonery?

B: You have to keep in mind, we can discuss Goonery with certified Goons.  We’d just need to create a centralized database of some sort that contains a curriculum vitae for each Goon.  We wouldn’t have access to actual print, considering how reading would be outlawed, but the necessary information could be alphabetically organized and stored in an electronic database in digital form.  From there, it could be sub-organized to model relevant aspects of Goonish reality in a way that supports processes requiring this information.  I imagine it’d be fairly simple to set up using Linux, the defining component—of course—being the Linux kernel.  The technology’s been around for ages.

A: Great point! I’d imagine that particular solution would be most optimal, but considering the Law of Parsimony, we could actually just blog about it, and assume the people who will get the information are already Goons, therefore eliminating the pre-established protocol of not sharing Goonery with non-Goons—like Occam’s Razor, right? Then we’re absolved of responsibility, get to maintain our Goondom, and have effectively created a living documentation of this life we so love living.

B: Ahhh…  Occam’s Razor.  That’s a fairly dope reference.  I love the whole simplicity of the principle.  You just can’t find ill philosophy like that anymore.  Not saying that I’m searching for ill philosophy anyway.  I was just saying.  I commend you on this solution.  Such an obvious fix.  It’s mind-boggling that I’d never fathomed Goons blogging.  It’s genius actually.  But unfortunately, we’re far from reaching that point.

...about Talking About Racism.

A.D.: You know what? I just want to tell you that when I see you, I don’t see color.  I actually don’t see any color anywhere in the world at all.  Just want you to know that before we get into this conversation.  But I do want you to know that I think it’s marvelous how articulate you are.  Okay.  That’s all.  How about some racism?

Blake: Thanks, sir.  I echo those same sentiments in regards to you.  In response to your racism question, yes, how about some racism?  Wait, is it going to be that new age, passive-aggressive racism or that old-school, in-your-face, stewed-to-perfection racism?  It matters, you know?

A: Yes, it does.  Thank you for asking for clarification. I prefer the old-school brand, with signs and songs, with ‘Separate But Equal’ sounding like a good deal, but everyone understanding that it means those who dictate the separation are really just letting you know your place.  That brand of racism is the kind I want.  The kind that makes you aware of your blackness…or lack thereof.  Speaking of which, how aware are you of your blackness in your everyday life (in the presence of black and non-black people)? I ask you that to get to the more pressing question:  Do you ever find yourself altering your behavior for the purpose of making yourself seem “safer” for other people who are very apparently aware of your blackness?

B: I agree.  That brand of racism eliminates a lot of unnecessary uncertainty.  It lets you know exactly where people stand.  It’s certainly better than walking on eggshells or pretending like racism doesn’t exist.  Everyone’s aware of it but it’s almost as if it’s taboo now.  I’d much rather know that someone thinks less of me because of my skin color than to not know, befriend that person, and find out later.  I’m very aware of my blackness though.  In a perfect world, there would be no reason to have to maintain that awareness but time and time again, it’s been made painfully obvious that it does, in fact, matter.  On top of that, I’m a fairly towering individual.  Pair that along with my skin color and I’m sure I fit the description of a person who’s up to no good.  There are times when I’m forced to muster a smile when approaching non-blacks just to communicate to that person that I pose no threat or I mean no harm.  And this only came about from having to witness the reactions I received when I didn’t “caution” that person that I was indeed “safe”.  Extremely sad state of affairs but it’s the hand I was dealt.  I’m sure you can relate.  Do you have any similar experiences?

A: When I was in college I was told by a mentor to “wear a tie every day, regardless of what your co-workers wear.”  This mentor so happened to be a black man who wore a tie every day.  He never really attached race to the advice, but over the years I have come to discover that there are racial implications to that—appearance is important, and a big part of my appearance is the color of my skin.  That is a fact that cannot be denied.  I think that we all have an awareness of ourselves from situation to situation, and I know that I act accordingly—intentionally making an effort to show through outward gestures—a smile, small-talk, etc.—that I’m not a menacing person.  But I have times where I forget that I’m not at work and I don’t have a tie on—I’m wearing a hoodie, and people’s reactions are strange (in my eyes), and I’m reminded of what I must look like to them, whatever that means (and I’m sure it means a lot).  I don’t really let it bother me, though.  What it makes me realize, though, is that if I can forget about it, what about the kids who never learn that they may be treated differently because of the color of their skin, and even more so because of the color of their skin combined with the way they dress? Is this a conversation you think parents need to be having with their children? And is this a conversation that should only be occurring in black homes?  And even more, is it necessary for the parents of a non-black child to have to tell their child that not only can you not judge a kid based on his skin color, his choice of clothing should be of no consequence as well?

B: This is definitely a conversation that parents need to have with their children, so long as the message isn’t put forth in a way that would lead to the child looking for or anticipating discrimination.  Responsibly informing your children is much better than pretending like these issues are nonexistent.  Simply hoping that your children never have to experience such a situation is a terrible approach.  In a perfect world, this conversation would occur in black AND non-black homes, but that would first require the parents to address and acknowledge these issues themselves.  And judging by society today, we haven’t even gotten to that point yet, let alone passing it along to our children.  Parents can teach their children life lessons and rights & wrongs until they’re blue in the face, but children are more likely to replicate the actions of their parents, not just their words alone.  It honestly has the potential to be a difficult fix.  There’s a whole culture that needs changing.  And that brings me to this question.  Regarding discrimination and racism, do you ever realistically see it going away completely?  And if that’s possible, what steps are needed to accomplish that?  Should our end goal be to eradicate entirely or simply minimize?

A: Racism and discrimination will not go away.  So long as there are differences between people, people will treat people differently because of them.  What’s important, I think, is awareness of difference, acknowledgment of difference, acceptance of difference, and ultimately proficiency in understanding that these differences make us better, not worse.  I say awareness, acknowledgment, acceptance and proficiency because I think that we are told a lot to teach tolerance, and tolerance is what has gotten us to where we are.  We are taught to put up with one another despite our disdain or dislike…and we hardly ever get past tolerance.  Once something happens, such as the case with Trayvon Martin, where race is easily attached to the crime (or cause[s] thereof), all that tolerance goes out the window, and we seem to start back at square one.  If we have awareness, acknowledgment, acceptance and proficiency (or striving toward proficiency in understanding our differences), then we can have all that you mention above, and not have to worry much about the issues that are currently only spoken about in hushed tones amongst people who are speaking to others they feel believe the same as they do about all things pertaining to race.  But that’s in a perfect world.  For now, I guess we have to deal with the brand of racism we have, right?

B: Correct, because this world isn’t perfect and it never will be.  Plus, there will always be people who label every unfortunate situation involving themselves and another race as racist, whether it truly is or not.  I’m sure there’s a black person somewhere ready to accuse Microsoft of racism because the dictionary in Microsoft Word doesn’t recognize “Trayvon” as a real word.  These type of people really exist.  So, steps need to be taken on both sides before we see any substantial results in society.  Until then, Black people will just keep being _______ who eat _______ & __________ and don’t ____. White people will continue being ________ who ______-____ their ____ and can’t ____ or _____. Asian people will continue being ______ who ____ their ____, love ___________ and can’t _____. And Mexican people will continue being _____ who are ____, smell like _____ & ____, and are probably here _________.

...about the Life and Legacy of The Notorious B.I.G.

A.D.:  Canibus, I think, summed up lots of people's thoughts in "Second Round K.O." describing BIG with the line, "The Greatest Rapper of All-Time died on March 9th..."  Well, It's been 15 years.  The first question is (1) Do you think Canibus had it correct, and the second question is (2) If Canibus was correct does it still hold true?

Blake:  Canibus hit the nail on the head when he spit that line.  At the time, I believe the general consensus was that BIG was the greatest doing it.  So I believe he was correct but I'm not too sure if that's still the case today.  People will always let him hold that honorary title if for no other reason than the fact that he's gone and it's seemingly the ‘Hip-Hop’ thing to do.  It's a bit hard for me to give him that title just off potential alone though.  His two albums were both very ill but you can't wear the 'Greatest Rapper of All-Time' crown forever off the merit of just two studio albums.

A:  Well, I don’t know if I agree with Canibus’ assessment, but I guess if he was saying it to make a point, I can ride with it…and it was an ill line in an ill song.  But I do agree with the fact that there wasn’t an opportunity for BIG to ‘defend’ the crown even if he did have it, which brings on the question (with no disrespect to ‘the late great veteran’) Who would you call the GOAT right now, if not BIG?

B: I’ll preface my next statement by clarifying that I absolutely despise GOAT rankings & titles in any competitive arena, whether it’s Hip-Hop or sports, because it’s too hard of a title to justify.  But for the sake of the argument, I don’t see how you can give this title to any emcee other than Jay-Z.  His résumé is pretty impressive.  He has classic albums, countless classic songs, impeccable flow, superior pen game, longevity, maintained respectability while achieving mainstream success, an all-time classic battle under his belt, among many other things.  And he has Beyoncé.  Sure, BIG had Faith Evans but Jay is CLEARLY the victor in that battle.  BIG was great, and an all-time great, but his résumé simply pales in comparison.  You’ve already made it clear that you don’t agree with Canibus’ assessment, so if not BIG, who would you give that GOAT title to?

A:  Man, I should have known that question was going to come back to haunt me.  I always like to say that I’m more a fan of songs than any particular artist, because there is no artist that I simply ride with all the way.  There are some that are more consistent than others.  I also know that we said we wouldn’t bring this man into this conversation seeing as how the occasion is March 9th and not September 13th, but if I had to give the title to someone based on the aforementioned parameters (flow, albums, pen skill, songs, longevity, respectability…and even consorts [not to be confused with concerts]), I would have to go with Tupac Shakur.  I’ll have to say that “The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory” is an album that I still have in heavy rotation.  And a certified classic in my opinion.  Tupac was also the only rapper that both convinced me to act recklessly AND read a book (the FIRST book I’d read without it being assigned).  I can’t say he was as gifted an emcee as BIG, or even Jay, but if I’m naming the GOAT, I don’t see the argument against Pac.  But like I said, this is BIG’s day, and we will leave Pac out of it. 

What is your favorite Biggie song?  And I don’t want the ‘why’ of the song, I want a memory of yours associated with the song.  Like what were you doing in life when you listened to that and thought, “This guy is nice on the mic.”?

B:  “I gots to talk.  I gotta tell what I feel.  I gotta talk about my life as I see it!  …Biggie!”

I shouldn’t even have to say what my favorite Biggie song is after that.  The classic Mad Rapper skit at the beginning, the aggression from BIG, the classic beat from Premier!  Like… seriously?!  Who samples “I Put A Spell On You”?  And makes it sound that ill?  But I remember vividly wondering what all the hype was about regarding “Life After Death”, so I traded a classmate my copy of “It Was Written” for his copy of “Life After Death”.  Well, I definitely found out how dope the album was and “Kick In The Door” just always stood out to me.  I had no idea who he was talking to or about at the time  but I just remember feeling like he felt every single word he rapped.  I wanted to lyrically diss the nearest emcee after hearing that song.  I didn’t even want my “It Was Written” album back after that.  I felt the song so much that I chose to perform it with a friend in our school’s lip-syncing showcase …  unedited and everything.  Why they didn’t screen the songs beforehand, I have no clue.  Needless to say, our song was cut short and they moved onto the next act expeditiously.  But this is still one of my favorite BIG joints of all time, up to this very day.  With that being said, Dilla I’ll need you to answer that same question.  Also, do you think his albums/songs have aged well?  Do they still hold up well next to today’s Hip Hop music?

A:  Hilarious that your school had a lip-syncing contest.  I will say that mine would have to have been “One More Chance/Stay With Me (Remix)” and it was primarily because of the sample, but also because of his lyrics.  There are so many of his songs that I listen to now that still hold up, but that track there was the perfect illustration of BIG’s appeal.  He was able to maintain all of his Hip-Hop sensibilities while appealing to women and simultaneously appealing to the masses.  It just makes me remember when Hip-Hop seemed like a community.  I know there were beefs and such, but look at that video and see the wide range of artists…remember the time period when it was released.  I was wanting to be like Method Man back then, I loved Nas, too.  Tupac as well.  I was listening to 8 Ball & MJG, but BIG had the dopest song out, and it was on the radio, TV and in people’s cars.  And he said, “once she grin I’m in—game begins”…you believed that he believed what he was saying.  He was “black and ugly as ever”…but the persona, the wit, the rhymes—they all worked.  I remember not being a fan, sitting there in front of the television watching the video.  Back in those days video shows showed videos.  Rappers were like real deal heroes (or villains if they didn't like your favorite rapper) to kids like me.  I wanted to hate, but I couldn't--at least not on that song. He was nice.

B:  Nice.  That’s one of the most cameo-heavy videos that I can remember.  I always remember wondering as a kid why the lady singing needed one more chance though.  What did she do that Biggie was so apprehensive about letting go?  Oh well, classic song nevertheless.  It’s just a shame that we’ll never know how much of an impact he could/would have had.  What would be different?  Would he have continued to release such stellar albums?  Would Nas & Jay-Z have even had a New York crown to battle over?  Would Diddy have tried to put him on a joint with Day 26 and/or Danity Kane on the hook?

A: Well, Hip-Hop told me that every girl, no matter who she was, had to beg for one more chance after the last chance she had, even if she’d done nothing wrong.  That’s some real world manhood training there!!

But if BIG was still around?  That’s the big “what if?”  I look at it like this: BIG was King because he said it and nobody disputed it.  Wu-Tang was the Greatest because they said it, and nobody disproved them.  Diddy—Diddy was a cheerleader, a sidekick.  In the grand hierarchy, I imagine him as a jester.  You don’t let a jester decide a King’s legacy.  When the throne is empty people scramble to make it their own.  There would have been no such fiasco had BIG not been murdered.  There would also have been no Shyne or Guerrilla Black.  No hate to Diddy, but I think he did as much a disservice to BIG’s legacy as anyone with his cheesecake affinity, name changes, TV show, rap career and overall existence post ’97.  Hip-Hop is definitely worse off with BIG gone, and to quote Royce the 5’9”…“everybody claimin’ they best and head the throne since BIG gone.  If you ask me, they Dead Wrong.” Hip-Hop misses that kind of greatness.