A.D.: I’m sure you probably wouldn’t know this from reading my resume, but I’m a practicing Goon. Goondom has been in my family for years, and will presumably be in my family for generations to come. Basically, this means—well, I can’t tell you what it means, because that would actually violate one of the cardinal rules of all Goonery—don’t talk about Goonery—at least not with non-Goons. This is the only reason I’m writing this post—because I’ve surmised that you, too, are a Goon. My question is: How long have you been practicing Goonery?
Blake: I actually received my doctorate in Gooneral Leadership back in ’03. My family is familiar with—and has multiple ties to—Goonery but I wouldn’t necessarily say that we came from Goondom. I’m elated at the fact that you’re also a Goon. It’s not too often you come across an opportunity to discuss Goonery at length. I’m sure you’re well-versed in the various dos-and-don’ts of Goonery. But my question is: how were you first introduced to the world of Goonery? And is Goonery something you feel comfortable enough with to recommend to children?
A: I was actually born a Goon. There were no questions about it. I’d been born into a sort of royalty that I could not quite understand—and I rebelled at the notion for a bit, but then my father came back and told me the historicity of the name and lineage from which I come—hold on…that’s actually partially co-opted from The Lion King. The part that isn’t borrowed is true, though. And speaking of The Movie That Made My Goondom palatable, yes, I would recommend children embrace their inner Goon. I think it all starts with cookies and milk—making sure you get your fair share, and then disseminating that which you don’t want in such a manner that elicits respect from your classmates. Before you know it, you get picked first for kickball, you get the biggest piece of cake for every birthday party, and you get the most Valentine Cards every February 14. Kids must know this.
B: Ahh, it’s comforting on a certain level to know I’m speaking with someone who was born into Goondom. In regards to that, I imagine the doctor who delivered you didn’t spank you to confirm that you were alive, did he? And if he did, is he still alive? I ask because my great uncle had to go through a similar situation in his day. But I digress. I’m obliged to inform you that it’d be against your good judgment for you to fabricate anything you’re telling me right now. And that’s not a threat at all. I’m just clarifying a few things for you. I’m a Goon and Goons don’t appreciate dishonesty in matters related to Goonery. With that being said, how do you feel about Goonery in professional settings? And what are your thoughts pertaining to Hannah Montana?
A: Oh, no you don’t!! I wouldn’t dare fall for the old Hannah Montana trick! I’m assuming it’s a trick because I have no idea who or what a Hannah Montana is, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s something that would jeopardize my Goondom…therefore, knowledge thereof would be detrimental to my Goon Status. Good try. I will inform you, however, that another stunt of that sort will result in fisticuffs, surely, or likely a more serious display of dissatisfaction that may result in physical harm or expiration of life. But I know that you know this already. As for your other question, “Goonery in professional settings” sounds like an oxymoron, but professional settings are the place where Goonery is most needed and widely accepted. Take the office of the POTUS—G.W. Bush…I could explain how he was a Goon, but I’m sure you’ve already connected the dots. AND, I couldn’t explain the how of it all because I’m sure someone else will read this, and may possibly not be a Goon, and then I’d be disobeying the cardinal rule. Question for you: Most slept on Goon, and your reasoning for such?
B: For the record, your response bordered right on the fine line between informative and threatening. As a Goon yourself, I’m sure you’re fully aware of the repercussions that could result from threatening another Goon, so I’m sure I’d be correct in saying that that’s not what you were really trying to do. You were only trying to be informative. You value your life too much, I imagine. Now that that’s out of the way, yes, I inquired about Hannah Montana to put your Goondom to the test and you passed with flying colors and I congratulate you for that. But the most slept on Goon, in my opinion, would have to be the late, great Michael Jackson. Allow me to explain why. One evening whilst eating with Paul McCartney in Paul’s dining room, Paul brought out a large booklet containing all the songs to which he owned the publishing rights. He went on to explain to Michael that music publishing was one of the easiest and greatest ways to make money. Michael replied by jokingly telling McCartney that he planned on buying The Beatles’ catalog one day. Paul’s response was “Great. Good joke.” He laughed it off and further explained to Michael how he himself planned to buy The Beatles’ catalog. Shortly afterward, Michael’s attorney closed the deal and purchased the catalog on Jackson’s behalf for $47.5 million. When approached about this ordeal, Michael simply told Paul, “Business is business.” This ended their long-standing friendship and when asked about the situation by the media, Michael’s response was “If he didn’t want to invest $47.5 million in his own songs, then he shouldn’t come crying to me now.” R.I.P. Michael Jackson, one of the most slept on Goons of all time and a personal inspiration to me. Who would you say is the most slept on Goon?
A: Duly noted. Funny to say Michael Jackson was “slept on” as a Goon. Some would allege he was slept on in many ways. R.I.P. Smooth Criminal. Anyhow—of course I was only being informative. Goons don’t make threats. Nor do we keep promises. That’s for another post, however. The most slept on Goon in my opinion is probably Christopher Columbus. Not only did he “discover” something that already existed, he set in motion the extermination of the original occupants of the land he discovered, starting the chain reaction of Goonish events that we now call American History. Benjamin Banneker is somewhere near the top of the Most Slept On Goon List as well, but that’s because of what he didn’t do much more than what he did. Well, partly what he did as well. So, do you have a vision for the future of Goondom? Do you think there’s much room for Goons in the world we live in now?
B: A vision for the future of Goondom… Hmmm… I’m not sure if this is a setup or not, given the fact that Goons traditionally live in the moment and don’t fret too much about the future. But for the sake of answering your question, my vision of a perfect Goontopian Society would include malt liquor fountains in every public park. You’d get suspicious stares for NOT wearing a ski-mask. Of course, Goons would police themselves so the need for an actual Police Department wouldn’t exist. I heard there’s a genre of movie called “Romantic Comedies”. I heard it includes movies such as Hitch, What Women Want, The Devil Wears Prada, Sex and the City, There’s Something About Mary, Notting Hill, and Sleepless In Seattle. I heard that these are films with light-hearted, humorous plotlines, centered on romantic ideals such as how ‘true love’ is able to surmount most obstacles. This is all strictly hearsay, by the way. But anyway, that whole film genre would cease existing. On top of these changes, you’d need a license to NOT own and carry a firearm. Quite frankly, the possibilities are endless. The world we live in today has plenty room for Goons like you and I. This world actually belongs to us. It just boils down to getting some of these proposed changes enacted into law. Any final thoughts?
A: So, you’re saying you envision laws?
B: More like Goonish guidelines. Not really laws. And I don’t appreciate the insinuation.
A: I was just checking. I would imagine that there would need to be some documentation of Goonery, for the time when the world is operated by Goons. Not so much as a manual, perhaps an oral history of Goondom, because in the future reading will be outlawed as well. Books won’t be, because the intelligent Goons will use them as safes (those who don’t already keep valuables inside the pages of books). From an anthropological standpoint, I imagine it won’t take very long—but how do we disseminate the information to the other Goons in the world if we’re not supposed to talk about Goonery?
B: You have to keep in mind, we can discuss Goonery with certified Goons. We’d just need to create a centralized database of some sort that contains a curriculum vitae for each Goon. We wouldn’t have access to actual print, considering how reading would be outlawed, but the necessary information could be alphabetically organized and stored in an electronic database in digital form. From there, it could be sub-organized to model relevant aspects of Goonish reality in a way that supports processes requiring this information. I imagine it’d be fairly simple to set up using Linux, the defining component—of course—being the Linux kernel. The technology’s been around for ages.
A: Great point! I’d imagine that particular solution would be most optimal, but considering the Law of Parsimony, we could actually just blog about it, and assume the people who will get the information are already Goons, therefore eliminating the pre-established protocol of not sharing Goonery with non-Goons—like Occam’s Razor, right? Then we’re absolved of responsibility, get to maintain our Goondom, and have effectively created a living documentation of this life we so love living.
B: Ahhh… Occam’s Razor. That’s a fairly dope reference. I love the whole simplicity of the principle. You just can’t find ill philosophy like that anymore. Not saying that I’m searching for ill philosophy anyway. I was just saying. I commend you on this solution. Such an obvious fix. It’s mind-boggling that I’d never fathomed Goons blogging. It’s genius actually. But unfortunately, we’re far from reaching that point.
